So last week was a rather rough week for me. I was super stressed, neck-high in notes, mind-maps and coloured pens preparing for my exams, and basically I was just a bundle of nerves and an emotional wreck.
Because of it, I ended up fighting with my boyfriend because he had a new female colleague and upon finding out that her older brother was his friend, they went out to dinner together. And I threw a big fuss about it, because I was irritated, annoyed and insecure.
Now in my defense, I'm not usually like that. Even if I don't like it, I understand he has a life outside of me, and I should respect it if I want him to respect mine.
I don't know what happened after that, but when I had calmed down and got my feelings sorted out, I had an epiphany. I can be perfectly happy without a man.
Don't get me wrong! I love my boyfriend very very much, and we very much still together.
But what I asked myself when I was as chilled as frozen peas in the fridge, was "Why was I so insecure anyway?" and of course many things came up like, "He's my boyfriend, of course." "I don't want him falling for another person."
Upon asking myself all of this, I came to the conclusion that if he loves me, he would never cheat on me. And if he does, then it only goes to show that he's not worth it. At this point of time, many people are probably thinking "Yeah, she says that now, but wait until she get's dumped, I bet she'll be crying like a baby."
And yes, maybe I will. But I realised that I will be okay. I'll be sad, yes. I'll cry, yes. But I will be perfectly fine, and I am completely capable of being perfectly happy without a lover. I never really understood when people said they never wanted to get married, or that they wouldn't mind being single their whole life, but now I do.
I mean, why should I let my entire happiness depend on a man who is just as human as any other person out there. He isn't God, he isn't some flawless being. He is 100% capable of making mistakes, breaking promises, and screwing lives as any other man or woman out there.
To have a boyfriend, or a husband, yes that contributes to happiness. But it isn't happiness. It's only a part of it. And without that part, I can still exist, live and be contented with life.
I don't know if this is part of growing up, or if it's just some random thought, but somehow I find trusting my boyfriend a lot less difficult now, and when I look towards the future I feel at peace knowing that I'm going to turn out just fine and dandy in the end.
I've found that w/o man, I am still a good strong woman, perfectly capable of being happy.
Samantha.
